My Public Apology to Hair Accessories

Dear Basket of Hair Accessories,

Most of you don't do my hair any favors, so I neglect you. And I'm sorry. You're so shiny and glittery (Really? What was I thinking?!) and colorful and arty and chic and you live in a perfectly lovely Longaberger basket in my top left dresser drawer.


That's where you live. That's where you'll stay.

Time after time I shall reach past your trendyness for the plain black Goody hairclip or on a particularly adventurous day, for the tortoiseshell barrette. The rest of you will stay in ignominious darkness in your perfectly lovely Longaberger basket. Just stay put. Right there, in case I ever want you.

But, don't hold your breath.

Headbands, you just don't do my high forehead any favors. Or maybe it's because I can never quite get my bangs to lie properly when I try to use you. Or maybe it's because my head is oversized and by midday I feel as though you are piercing my skull like some sort two-fold trepanning device. Whatever the problem, you're just not for me. I tried, I really did.

Pretty, funky barrettes and craft-fair hair clips, you just make me feel too insecure. I feel fairly confident about my ability to match colors and balance levels of not-accessorized-enough to accessorized-just-right to good-lord-do-you-think-you're-a-gypsy-queen? At least with the parts of me that I can see in a mirror. With you clipped to the back of my head, I'm just never sure if you're clashing with my earrings. Or belt. Or face. Be patient. Who knows? Maybe someday I'll have a dressing room with one of those awesome three-way mirrors so that I can see you on the back of my resplendent, perfectly-coiffed head. Until then ... sorry!

French twist clip, fancy-schmancy-up-do sticks, foam-bendy-gizmo-thing, I don't eve know what I was thinking when I bought you. I didn't understand the directions that came with you and I don't plan to learn how to use you from some well-intentioned YouTube video. I'm sorry, but life's too short for hair doo-dad that make me feel stupid.

Scrunchies, imagine yourself still in the 80s until you come back into style. Be patient. If it worked for bell-bottoms and leg warmers, your time, too, will come. Sorry, guys!

As for you, plain black elastics, plastic clip and plain barrette ... stick with me, babies, and we'll go places.


No comments: